Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Nigeria: Thank God Our President Is Back

I will praise thee, o my savior, I will praise thee for ever more.

Hey, Alhaji na wetin bring you to church? And na you dey sing 'I will praise thee' like a zealot? (pidgin English)

I beg, make you leave me alone. Didn't you hear the good news? I will praise thee, o my savior, I will praise thee for ever more. I will shout hallelujah, I will worship thy name, o, me I go worship my lord o, my God is too good for me. (typical Nigerian grammatical construction)

And you, a Moslem, shouting 'I will praise thee, oh, my savior,' in a Christian church! Wonders shall never cease.

Comout there, my friend. Good news does not know religious or ethnic boundaries. The good Lord has delivered our nation very good news, indeed. All that a patriotic citizen can do is to show some gratitude to the almighty father and his son. Tomorrow, I am going to join the traditionalists in pouring libation to the Gods of Africa. Look, I already bought my Original Schnapps.

Alhaji, are you telling me that you're going to partake in the drinking of liquor?

What's wrong with that? Me, I go drink am for ebrything. Kai, this news is too good to be true. Akoi Allah! (Hausa speak)

Good news, what exactly are you talking about?

You! I thought you were a journalist...

Yes, of course, I'm a journalist.

And you're asking me what good news -- which other news is dominating our airwaves?

Corruption in high and low places, kidnapping here and there, the yawning gap between the haves and the have-nots, rigged elections all over the place, brutality by the police on the citizens and, of course, the rumors that President Yar'Adua is back in the country.

You! You called the triumphant entry of our great and popular president rumors, kai!

Great and popular, anyway you're entitled to your opinion, but have you seen him?

No, of course not.

Have you met anyone who has seen him?

No, but it was on the television and all the papers.

Do you believe everything you read in the papers or see on television?

No, but it was said that two planes landed at Abuja Airport and that they came from Saudi Arabia and we all know that the First Lady is in town. Do you think that she'll abandon her husband in Saudi Arabia or that the whole officials of state will be telling white lies to Nigerians?

It has been known to happen before. But, for me the presidency of a nation is far too important to be toyed with the way our president's handlers are going about it. You claimed that he made a triumphant entry into the country. What is triumphant in the president of a nation of 150 million people sneaking into the country like a common fugitive?

Are you saying that our great and beloved president is a fugitive? Kai!


Monday, March 8, 2010

President "Sex Machine" Zuma's Virile Libido

When are you Nigerians going to sort yourself out? You've turned your country into the world's laughing stock.

Leave me alone, please. We have got our share of worldly problems, just like any other normal nations.

Ha, you called yourself a normal nation! Where on earth would a president go AWOL for three months except in that country of yours where jesters are in power?

I thought you would learn to mind your own business; is yours not a case of a pot calling the kettle black?

You Nigerians have a way of dodging issues. Your president not only took off without explanation, he also failed to follow simple, commonsensical, constitutionally-mandated procedures of handing power over to his deputy, and you see nothing wrong in that?

And why is it impossible for you South Africans to learn to mind your own business? By the way you're going about our missing president, one would think that you are without your own palavers. If only you will learn to remove the sandstorm from your eyes before bothering with the grain in ours. If you live in a glass house, don't throw stone. I hope that they have a saying like that in your country, and I also hope that apartheid didn't succeed in totally wiping out your cultural legacies so that you won't understand proverbs.

I have talked to many Nigerians and like you they're very prickly when it comes to discussing their country.

Good for you.

Meaning what?

Meaning that you should learn from what they are trying to tell you.

But the same people use vitriolic language when talking about the same issues. Why won't you allow foreigners to talk about your country's affairs?

Maybe they think that it's none of your damn business, or maybe they think that you should busy yourself with your own country's inadequacies.


Wise saying:

" Never use both feet to test the depth of the sea." - African proverb