The Imperialist Prayer

Our Dear Lord and Father in Heaven; Our Creator, Guide and Protector; Our Alpha and our Omega who reside in the sacred places high above. Our all-loving, all-knowing, omniscient and immanent Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. We gather here today to give thanks; praises and glory to your name. We thank you for all your blessing in the past, with the firm believe that your grace and blessings shall continue to pour down upon us, so long as we continue to follow the path you set for us.

Oh, Dear Lord in Heaven, we give our thanks and praises to you for your endless love. You have demonstrated that you are our one and true God. When you created and put us in the most desolate and the most unlivable part of your beautiful world, we thank thee; fully assured that you, our Father, knew what you were doing.

And when you made our woe-begotten abode the most resources-deprived part of your world flowing with abundant resources, we praise your holy name; we were certain that you, our Holy of Holies, knew the best? And when you not only make the other races stronger and more beautiful than we are; we envy them not, for we trust in your infinite wisdom and your care for your own. Our land is harsh; our weather is pitiless; our environment is unkind, yet we continue to pray to you and to praise your name. You are a God of wonders and you have proved to us that your ways are simply beyond the comprehension of we who are merely your creations. We give thanks.

Our Lord God, you never gave us much to begin with. Famine and want had been our lot since the dawn of history. We knew nothing but hunger and deprivations before you, our great God, showed us the way. Our history clearly attested to our sufferings in ancient times.

For example, in one of the leading countries of today, France, so endemic was famine that it was practically a way of life. In that country alone, famines occurred during the 14th century in 1304, 1305, 1310, 1315–1317 (the Great Famine), 1330–1334, 1349–1351, 1358–1360, 1371, 1374–1375 and 1390.

In England which, through your Divine guidance, later became the Greatest Power on Earth and ruled the whole wide world for centuries, there were famines in 1315–1317, 1321, 1351 and 1369. In fact, all of our countries registered famines on epic scales and your people were reduced to eating their own kind. Ha, Lord we suffered!

And yet we continue to praise your hallowed name. In one instance that greatly demonstrated our great sufferings, a chronicler recounted: “Edward II, King of England, stopped at Saint Alba’s on August 10, 1315 and no bread could be found for him or his entourage; it was a rare occasion in which the King of England, was unable to eat. By now, however, people were so weakened by diseases such as pneumonia, bronchitis, tuberculosis, and other sicknesses, and much of the seed stock had been eaten, that it was not until 1325 that the food supply returned to relatively normal conditions and the population began to increase again. Historians debate the toll but it is estimated that between 10%–25% of the population of many cities and towns died. While the Black Death (1338–1375) would kill more, for many the Great Famine was worse. While the plague swept through an area in a matter of months, the Great Famine lingered for years, drawing out the suffering of those who would slowly starve to death, face cannibalism, child-murder and rampant crime.” (Wikipedia)

Despite our great deprivations and sufferings, we remained doggedly steadfast as we shout your Holy name. We knew for certainty that as day follows night that you shall not disappoint us. We believed that you have forgiven us our botched attempts to reclaim your Holy City of Jerusalem when the Mohammedans (thousand curses upon their heads) gave us great whippings.

We believed with all our hearts that you were testing us, and we firmly resolved not to yield to the temptation of abandoning your Holy name. When your people suffered in Egypt, you tested them. They stood steadfast and you sent them a Messiah. Moses led your people out of Egypt. We praise you even when Moses didn’t take us to the Promised Land. We believed that you shall send forth a Moses when our own time comes. That gave us great succor Holy Father, your name be praised!

And as we were just recovering from the great calamity of that unprecedented famine, you decided to send one of the deadliest pandemics known to history to wipe away half of our (and your own) starving people in the 1300s. We reeled in great torment but we continue to sing hosannas and rejoice in your name; for we trust in your infinite love for us. And as these plagues return to us from generation to generation (The London Plague 1603; The Italian Plague 1629; The Great Plague of Vienna 1679; The Great Plague of Marseille 1720 plus the Great Plague of Moscow in 1771) our love for you remains boundless.

As we laid in hunger in our freezing caves, easy prey for both animals and the elements our thoughts are constantly for a redeemer. And we redoubled our prayers and supplications to you. Our faith in your redeeming and delivering us remained undiminished, for you are the Lord.

You performed one of your wonders when on July 20 356 BC, in the Macedonian capital of Pella, the Queen Olympias, fourth wife of King Phillip II, gave birth to the child the world would come to know as Alexander the Great. And was he great, our Lord? We still quaver with gratitude when we remember how you raise such a great man to lead your people from conquest to conquest.

Although he was lustful of blood and he unnecessarily slaughtered a great many enemy soldiers who had surrendered, yet his name continue to make the other people tremble with trepidation. Our great hero exposed your people to the vast wealth available as war spoils if only they will gird their loins and follow the iron leadership of the Great One.

Alexander (May your Glories continue to pour down on his head) showed us the way. Yes, Lord, he showed us the way to untold and totally unimaginable (for your children freezing in alpine caves and such likes) wealth. And when our hungry eyes behold those vast wealth, we became lustful and we became greedy. Who can blame us, Dear Lord? For a man emerging naked from alpine caves to see another human being dressed in fine silk and cotton dress is enough to drive one to whimsical madness.

And we have thee to thank, O lord for that great invention of the Chinese, gunpowder. You were kind to send that knowledge to us through your angels in the 13th century. If the Chinese were stupid enough to use such knowledge to make fireworks (who need that!) and ceremonial rockets, we were not.

Recognizing the vast military potentials of that substance, we put it to good use. We praise thee; gunpowder ensured that never shall your children cower in caves again while other people are quietly enjoying their paradise of abundant resources. You surely recognized that your people have to wrestle all that they need from the other people through sheer willpower, native cunning and the muscular violence they can inflict on very massive scale. It is difficult to develop humanity or spirituality if you are starving and freezing to death in an alpine cave.

You wrought another of your great miracles when in 1254 on the island of Curzola, you brought into the world the great Marco Polo whose name is still today revered as the man who did as much as another person to bring knowledge of the outside world to your people. Knowledge which greatly aided your people as they gained mastery of the world and come to dominate the world like no other people had: Your name be praised. It was said that Marco Polo was born with him holding a small wooden vessel and it was further recounted that he swam the entire coast of Dalmatia on the 11th day of his birth. We knew it was your miracles you were performing through him.

Our Noble Marco intrigued himself to the court of the Chinese Khan where he cunningly gained vast invaluable knowledge of the Chinese ways. Great Lord, such knowledge aided us greatly in our drive to conquest the hordes of the yellow men, may your name be praised.

You continued to shower your blessings on your people when in 1460 you wrought another of your wondrous miracles by the birth of Vasco da Gama in the fishing village of Sines, on the southwest coast of Portugal. Vasco da Gama greatly enriched our knowledge of the other parts of the world and his contribution from his numerous piracies added greatly to the fortunes of your people. da Gama showed his people what was possible by the strategic deployment of overwhelming firepower to compel native people to do what you want and give you what they have. He was a pioneer in the new idea of colonizing territories in the name of faraway kings and countries, may his name be blessed. He was our hero.

We were not an ungrateful people as we honour this great hero by naming one of the moon’s craters after him.

Your greatest miracle (after that of the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ) was performed in 1451 when you caused the child, Christopher Columbus, to be born in the city of Genoa. It is a Wonder for which we shall be eternally grateful. No man born of woman in history did for his people what Columbus did for your own chosen people.

It was certainly your design for us to rule the world when you sent our hero westward instead of towards the much trodden Eastern route. Columbus, having navigated in the coast of West Africa, was certainly an experienced navigator and he certainly had better equipments than the explorers before him. A simple compass could have shown him East from West. Today, we who are his progenitors praise your name for making him listen to your holy voice as we today rule the whole of the Americas apart from one or two where rabble-rousers continued to oppose that which you have divinely ordained.

Columbus’ discoveries and actions ensured that your children can now compete with the other people as we are no longer confined to our alpine frozen alpine caves. The Americas gave us the latitude and the space that we have been praying for in order to launch your grand design for the world, where your own people shall rule and reign to the glory of your name.

Our hero cleaned the Americas for your children - may he continue to receive your eternal blessings. With the vast land suddenly at the possession of your children you caused us to look for labour in the coasts of Africa, for which we are totally indebted to you. The Africans worked like mule, and we were soon sending the produce of their labour all over the world at great profit. The enslavement of the African was profitable in more than one way as it enabled us to build our shipping, banking, insurance, rail, textile, arms industries and other institutions. Many of these companies made enormous profits that enabled us to build our infrastructures which today are the envy of world. We are thankful.

Our recounting this compressed history is to show you, Good Lord, that we are not unmindful of all you have done for us; we are grateful.

But now, Heavenly Father, your children are, once again, faced with a great peril, the like which we haven’t seen in a millennium. Yes, dear Holy Lord. The very survival of your children is imperiled, endangered and your children need urgent guidance in this matter.

We faced a double, no Sir, make that triple peril, Dear Lord and we haven’t the foggiest idea on how to wriggle our way out this time. The Asians are rising and the Africans are stirring. Thus, Lord, put starkly we simultaneously face a Yellow Danger and a Black Menace.

We surely can manage one of them at a time, of that we are pretty certain. But when the hordes of Asians we have so forcibly oppressed, joined forces with the Africans whom we have enslaved, colonized and exploited for over half a millennium, the equations suddenly change dramatically in our disfavor.

The Asians have discovered Africa and they are swarming the place like no man’s business. And the Africans are welcoming them with joy; what a tribulation! The Asians have taken over almost all the business your people have built up for over four centuries. They are there now, from Cape to Cairo; from Accra to Asmara and from Lagos to Lilongwe, we see them signing contracts every second of the day. The vast oil deposits of the Sudan has gone to them, ditto the copper mines of Zambia, ditto the lumber of Liberia. The list is endless, dear Lord.

It was that accursed Jew who called himself a philosopher, Satre (may the goblins continue to torment his grave), who said that: “In the past Europe made history. Now, history is being made on it.”

Today, your people’s population is dwindling at an alarming rate; and that of the darkies living among us is growing at incomprehensible rate. Our youth would rather take drug than produce children. In the city of Amsterdam, in the year 2006, the number one name of registered birth is Mohammed. That is how perilous the situation has become for your children Dear Lord. Your people are now an endangered species in many of our towns and cities. And our women are marrying the darkies in frightening numbers! Dear Sweet Lord, your own people are facing both a genetic and demographic wipeout!

As we flounder without leadership and without hope, we gather here today to beseech your Almighty grace and plead with you to show your people a way out of this looming peril. America, which had hitherto, provided us with solid leadership is now itself an endangered species. Its political leadership has lost its moral, physical and military bearing. The spiritual leaders have sold their souls to Mammon; they are today more interested in greenbacks than in praising your sanctified name. Today, Dear Lord a dark Kaffir presides over the affair of that once-great nation. And a woman (of all things!) is his foreign affairs scertary.What a calamity!

Americans are today staggering under a debt of colossal proportions. And to compound the insult, the money was borrowed from the Yellowman. And, dear Lord, the monies were not borrowed for productive purposes. No, sir, our barbaric cousins across the ocean borrowed all those money to fight useless wars across the globe.

It won’t be such a bad idea if they are winning their stupid wars. Dear Lord, no, they are not winning. As a matter of fact, at the present time, they are totally bogged down in two wars which they foolishly launched and arrogantly believed that they could win. They spent all those trillions of dollars in building expensive war toys, and yet they couldn’t defeat a bunch of insurgents in either Iraq or Afghanistan. It makes one sick, dear Lord, it makes one sick.

So we cannot look up to them for them at these critical times in our history. We are bereft, dear Lord, we are as rudderless as we are leaderless. We are like your children in ancient Egypt crying out for deliverance.

There Lord, peril we face is vast and immediate. The Asians do not need to confront us militarily in order to defeat us. They can overwhelm us without firing a single shot; they only have to start withdrawing their monies from American banks or asking our cousins to start paying back the loans.

This is the perilous state of our affairs, Dear Lord and it is for this that we gather to pray to thee. Help us, O Lord to confound the Asians. Help us mystify the Africans who today are clamoring for the rights to set the prices of their produce. What an unheard of sacrilege!

How would your people live and lead their sweet lives, dear Lord, if we cannot set the prices we pay for the African cocoa, coffee, oil, timber, gold, diamond, coltan and the rest of the stuffs we need to keep our industries running and our people gainfully employed?

Help us erect an unbreachable barrier between the Africans and the Asians and all the other enemies of your people. We pray that the Asians and the African should continue to believe our lies, dispense through our BBC World, our Fox News Network, our CNN, our Radio France Internationale, our Deutche Welle and the other media we set up purposefully to disseminate our worldview and confuse them.

We pray further that African dictators should continue to deposit their monies in our banks to keep our financial institutions solvent. We beseech you, our lord and Protector, to blind the Chinese so that hey can continue to buy into our junk bonds; how else can your people survive, O Lord!

Can you imagine, dear Lord, what calamity shall befall your people should the Africans start to set the prices of say, Coffee, Cocoa or tobacco, to which your people have become totally addicted and without which we cannot even begin to imagine a civilized life. No, No, it is too perilous to contemplate. Hear your people’s lamentation, Dear Lord!

Dear Father, help us to afflict those among the Asians and the Africans, those mis-guided communist hot-heads with painful calamities! May their misguided ways not be approved of and shared by their compatriots. May the Asian and the African masses continue to look to us for help, for sustenance and for salvation! May our way of life continue to hold them in sway. Make they continue to believe that they need democracy more than food on their table, and that they need market forces that enable us to set the prices that we pay for their produce. Father, make them continue to listen to the teachers we send to them from the IMF and the World Bank and our numerous NGOs even after twenty years of total failure. Our Father, let them be blind to the fact no man can become rich when other people set the prices they pay for the produce of his labour. God, we pray that may they never go back to their way of life as they continue to be marveled by our Hollywood and our big brother productions! May their morality decay to our levels and may their youth continue to ape the ways and manners of our youth.

For all these we pray in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen!